


Not Thinking Straight

by EmotionsofInk



Series: Edge of paradise [3]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: M/M, Mentions of cyberbullying, little bit of sadness, mentions of hate-speech, soft boyfriends being soft and adorable, worlds2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 20:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21042107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionsofInk/pseuds/EmotionsofInk
Summary: After the almost-loss to AHQ Peter is determined to find out why Nicolaj has been avoiding him.Self-hatred was not one of the reasons he was expecting.





	Not Thinking Straight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all!  
I wanted to add something to this series after TL's first round robin! Especially dealing with some of the back-lash of how messy and rough the AHQ game was! I hope you all enjoy, and we're all still rooting for TL to get out of groups!! (I BELIEVE!)

The win had been a tough one, not just on the rift, but mentally afterwards as well. It was difficult not to get frustrated, and it was even more difficult to not blame and point fingers. And when that blame and frustration was done in jest, as a way to make it feel more light-hearted, it was hard to not take it personally, like being shot directly in the chest. That was how he had been feeling, that was why he hadn't said a word to everyone. This was his fault, he knew it, they knew it - everyone knew it.

He had thought he had gotten rid of the chip on his back, the hate, the weird obsession they had with watching him fail. He thought he had tough enough skin to not let it bother him anymore. Turns out he was wrong, he hated it, he hated himself, and he was well on his way to convincing himself he wasn't good enough. There was a small part of him however, a glowing part of hope, that was waiting for someone to just barge into his room and tell him he wrong.

Luckily for his state of mind, he didn't have to wait too long.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Peter found him in the room that the two of them had been sharing through their time in Berlin. Nicolaj had his back turned to him, sitting still on the bed. “But now I have you cornered, so now you have to talk to me.”

Nicolaj drew a deep breath but couldn’t stop himself from flinching when Peter sat down on the bed beside him. He wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, or any conversation, not to any of the team. But Peter especially – he felt like he had let him down in the worst way possible.

“I guess I just wanted to draw this out as much as possible.” Nicolaj’s voice was raw, barley a month ago Peter would have no idea what this mean, but now he knew well enough and it shocked him. Nicolaj has being crying. “I hate to think how mad you are, how much you want to yell at me and I…”

“Hey, hey no…” Peter took his hand, and wanted to scream at the sight of it shaking. “We’re all a little frustrated and hey we all have bad games, and you inted a little bit.”

“A lot, I inted a lot.”

“So? That doesn’t mean I’m going to yell at you, I’m not angry at you.” Peter thought that this wasn’t something that got to the midlaner anymore, at the start of the year it had been pretty bad, but by this time they had gone through that whole thing. He hated to think the mind set was back, especially now. “What’s brought this on all of a sudden? You know we’re nothing like that, I would hope you know I’m nothing like that.”

Nicolaj flinched at this, great now he had just insulted Peter more. “No, no I meant… I don’t know… I feel like I had made this promise, to try my best, to be the best me I could, for you especially and at first… it was okay and I was good, but now… now I’ve fallen flat on my face, now everything has gone so wrong. I’m shattered and I don’t know if I can if….”

Peter wrapped an arm around him at this, pulling him close and wishing with everything that this wasn’t happening. Nicolaj avoiding him for the sake of it he could take, being because of something like this however, no – it was terrifying. “Talk to me, what changed?”

“I… I saw what they were saying and I know I shouldn’t let it bother me or get to me but I just couldn’t.” He sighed, leaning into Peter, seeming to relax slightly now knowing he wasn’t angry with him. “Saying I made a mistake, saying I was the problem, that I’ll be watching through the side-lines. All those people saying I never should have left… they’re wrong I know that in my head, but with all the hate – I guess my heart couldn’t take it.”

“They? Have you been looking at comments online again, I thought we promised each other we wouldn’t do that this year? Goodness knows I would be a complete mess if I had.”

“Not…. Exactly, it seems, well it seems some… so called fans, have figured out where we are here… and thought they would send ah, their thoughts and… comments.”

Peter narrowed his eyes for a moment before it clicked, his voice raising a few octaves as he was yelled out in anger, “Are you telling me you’ve been getting hate mail!”

“Wow, okay – let everyone know… yes, but it’s not too bad…”

“Not too bad? You are one of the toughest skinned people I know with all the shit they put you through this year, it has to be bad!” Peter’s voice kept raising and the anger was dripping from his voice. “Fucking…. I don’t… why didn’t you tell us?”

“I thought I could deal with it without worrying you, apparently I am not as strong as I thought and I let them get to me and I’m sorry for breaking my promise and being a liability and I… I really didn’t want to worry you and now I have and I…”

Peter broke Nicolaj’s ramblings off by pulling him into a tight hug, pressing tightly into him and breathing in deeply. “You are not a liability, you are nothing of the sort, I love you and even if you int a thousand times over nothing will change that.” Peter kissed him softly on the check, causing Nicolaj to blush slightly, “You make this team better; you make me better and if no one else can see that they are stupid, and they don’t deserve your recognition or your time.”

“I guess… I guess I just… I haven’t been thinking too straight, after reading some of those, takes me back to some of the mistakes I’ve made some of the things I wish I never did…”

There was a small silence at this before Peter pulled out of the hug and placed a hand, shaking slightly, on Nicolaj’s face. “Was changing teams, coming here, to us, to me… was that a mistake? Was that something you wish you didn’t do?”

“No,” There was no hesitation, not even a thought about saying anything else. Nicolaj shook his head and took Peter’s hand in his own, giving it a small squeeze, “It was the best, it saved me, in more ways than one… I hope you know that… I hope that one day I can tell you all that. How much this all means to me…” Tears began to prick his eyes, “I just hate, that people can make me forget that so easily.”

Peter pulled him in closer at this, kissing him passionately and clinging him to him in a hug. “Next time something like that gets sent to you, you promise you don’t even open it, okay? You owe them nothing.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Good,” Peter pressed himself even closer, breathing in deeply, “I have you, no matter what, no matter who, I’ll hold you tight and never let go, please never forget that again.”

Nicolaj wondered if that was something he could truly promise, after all, he had never had someone that would do such a thing for him, never had anyone to hold onto that wasn’t lying about what they were feeling. This whole relationship was new to him, the promises, the feelings, everything. 

He loved it, but it also terrified him at the same time.

“Never again, I swear.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, these two are so soft, I love writing them like this, ugh <3


End file.
